Statistics show that the majority of workers have been in a romantic relationship at work, but it’s not all rainbows and unicorns out there. While some of these relationships end in marriage, most of them fail. Even more disrupting are the surprising number of adulterous relationships at work! With all this love, sex, drama and secrecy…how does anyone get their work done?

SHOW NOTES

What better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day – or really any day – than a bit of time with Crina and Kirsten and an episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work on romance in the workplace.  We know relationships at work are important to our satisfaction in our workplaces. And the data indicates that many of us meet our special someone at work. While all that is fantastic, too much of a good thing can be complicated (and even uncomfortable) for everyone – including co-workers.

This episode is for those in workplace romances and for those who work with those in workplace romances – which is apparently almost all of us.  A romantic relationship can be fodder for gossip and distraction in the workplace. It can be stressful and difficult to be in a romantic relationship that co-workers do not know about.  Secrets are hard – and of course if you are a co-worker who knows a secret – secrets can be even harder. Given that 1 in 6 romantic relationships at work is adulterous, we suspect this happens more than we think or want – particularly for those concerned with their productivity at work and of course, the business bottom line.  And, of course, it can be complicated to supervise employees in romantic relationships. And then there is the tragic break up . . .

Crina and Kirsten talk about the different kinds of romantic relationships, the difficulties and benefits that can arise, how the workplace is impacted and some strategies for these difficulties and impacts.

And, as always, we encourage you to explore this topic more deeply with the following links – how can you resist?

Why Relationships in the Workplace Matter | Blog

8 Workplace Romance Statistics You Need to Know Right Now

Professionally Pursuing Workplace Romance: What Organizations Should Teach Employees

The Truth About Office Romance

Tips for Dealing With Romantic Relationships in the Workplace

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Regardless of where you are in your career, you need to get clear on where you’re going and how you’re going to get there. Set your sights high, surround yourself with allies and supporters, and go get what you want!

SHOW NOTES

In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our hosts talk about moving your self into the work life you want – whether you call it climbing the ladder, running a ropes course with team members or just creating your own vision for what you want your experience to be – this episode addresses how to get clear about where you are going and how to get there.  

However you think of advancing yourself, remember that it’s a journey and one on which folks spend a lot of time and energy, so it better be a great journey.

Crina works her magic on goal creation by reminding listeners to:

1. Be realistic. As yourself, “Do I really want it?” and “What about it do you want?” 
2. Get clarity. A goal must be specific, clear and measurable.
3. Challenge yourself. An easy or tedious goal is demotivating. But keep a realistic balance: don’t expect to climb to the top overnight
4. Remain Committed. You need to buy into the goal at the outset. Write it down! Post it somewhere! Believe in it (and yourself). 
5. Determine how you’ll get feedback and how you’ll measure progress. Figure out what you’re going to use as feedback. What are the road signs that will tell you if you’re on track or not? For instance, if your goal is to get a promotion or advance in your field, you might choose benchmarks such as: getting more responsibility; being given a new project; seeing doors open up for you; gaining the trust of your supervisor.  This helps to keep the goal on track.
6. Revisit your goals regularly and adjust as needed

Kirsten, with help from Crina, focuses on how to get there and how to deal with the frustrating reality of the percentage of women who advance in the workplace.  This is referred to as getting over the broken rung on women’s advancement in the workplace.

Our hosts talk about what actually works and what does not.  Forget the BS advice about playing golf, dressing for success, be funny/don’t be funny, make cookies and on and on.  Instead, find people and groups to support your ascent to where you want to be, such as taking actions that showcase what you are good at, say yes to things that move you towards your goal and of course ask for what you want – see episode 10.

And as always – below are some good resources for further thinking on this.

The CEO’s Secret To Moving Up the Corporate Career Ladder

Ladder Down: Climbing to the Top | 2018 Women in Law Issue

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Women tend to avoid owning our awesomeness because the patriarchy penalizes us when we do! When we’re strong, proud, decisive and crystal clear in our judgement we’re labeled as bitchy instead of competent. But Crina and Kirsten want to change this for you and all women!

SHOW NOTES 

New Flash!!  It is a myth that men are more confident than women.  In fact, studies show that women are in fact as confident as men, but we are judged, criticized and punished for owning our confidence.  In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our curious couple considers confidence, what it is, who exhibits it and why it’s time to own it, sister!

Psychology Dictionary Online defines self-confidence as an individual’s trust in her own abilities, capacities, and judgments, or belief that she can successfully face day to day challenges and demands.

Crina and Kirsten talk about their own experience with confidence. Kirsten trusts her judgement about what she does and does not know.  She is confident in her ability to learn and become competent in something. Kirsten attributes this to lots of experience, failure and recovery.

Crina discusses a friend of hers who is confident, but does not feel comfortable expressing her confidence – and leans towards wanting to be liked.  Her friend is getting ready to start a new job and when asked why she wants to do it, it is because the position pays better, and other people think she will be good.   When Crina went deeper with her friend, she discovered that her friend was confident in her ability to do the job, was excited about it, but did not know how to express these things.    

Our hosts consider what is confidence in a woman?

Character traits:

• Doesn’t apologize for “being”
• Owns her awesomeness
• Willing to be vulnerable or not know something
• Doesn’t seem to have anything to prove
• Self-assured
• Typically, ambitious because she knows what she wants
• Willing to take risks
• Generally positive

Behavior traits:

• Speaks up in meetings 
• Takes up space physically 
• Projects her own voice
• Is direct and clear in her communication

We read these traits as indicators of confidence, and colleagues often infer a lack of confidence when they are absent. Because many of these “executive” behaviors show up more in men, we perceive a “confidence gap.” 

There are things we can do about this, such as speaking well to yourself, taking care of yourself, taking risks, not apologizing, finding ways to get feedback.  And of course, we can help others with this, we can lift other women up, be a mentor, encourage other women, and normalize expressions of confidence.

And why do we want confidence – because it feels good. It is key to getting what you want, particularly in the workplace.  Individuals with confidence experience greater enjoyment in life, less fear and anxiety, more energy and motivation and better interactions with others. 

 We hope you enjoy these articles:

The Truth About Women and Self-Esteem

What is Self-Confidence? + 9 Ways to Increase It [2019 Update]

Is the Confidence Gap Between Men and Women a Myth?

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Women are told that they need to be likable in order to be successful, yet those that display “likable” characteristics are seen as less capable and professional.  This double standard creates an invisible ladder for men in the working world while at the same time dictating behaviors that are counter to women’s success.

SHOW NOTES

In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work our terrific twosome gets down and dirty with likeability.  Alicia Menendez states in her book, The Likeability Trap- How to Break Free and Succeed as You Are, that likeability is primarily a mask for conscious and unconscious bias established and promoted by the patriarchy.  And with all things patriarchy – our hosts get after crushing that in this episode.

We all want to be liked (well, most of us anyway) so what it the problem with being liked? 

The core of likeability is that we, as women, are expected to meet other’s beliefs about who we should be.  And that is we are kind, soft, warm, nurturing, relationship focused etc. Men, alternatively, are expected to be strong, assertive, decisive, direct, result focused etc.  While the boxes in which we put people do us all a disservice, the boxes women are expected to check are oftentimes not conducive to success. Women who are strong leaders and competent, capable employees are seen as too aggressive, shrill, angry, a battle axe or an ice queen.

As Marianne Cooper wrote in the Harvard Business Review: “What is really going on…is that high-achieving women experience social backlash because their very success—and specifically the behaviors that created that success—violates our expectations about how women are supposed to behave. Women are expected to be nice, warm, friendly, and nurturing.”

The first problem with likeability is that when we focus on being liked, we are judging ourselves against someone else’s values, not our own, and those can change.  Likeability is an ever shifting paradigm and changes with peoples’ opinions. Likeability focuses on the wrong things, it is hard to attain, it keeps women in their place.  We sacrifice our true selves in an attempt to achieve it and we expend unnecessary energy trying to get it.

Kirsten discusses how the issue of likeability and how it can be exacerbated by the color of a person’s skin.  The workplace is often structured in ways that reward behavior considered socially appropriate in white men but socially inappropriate in women and people of color.  Joan C. Williams in her NYT opinion piece describes the phenomenon as providing an invisible escalator for white men.

Crina discusses the particular problem likeability presents when you are a leader.

 But don’t fear – our hosts propose that authenticity, self-awareness, relatability and connection are solutions to the conundrum of likeability.  But if that does not work, do as Alicia Menendez suggests, if you must chose being trying to be liked and being successful, always choose success.

LINKS

For Women Leaders, Likability and Success Hardly Go Hand-in-Hand

Opinion | How Women Can Escape the Likability Trap

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At a time when we’re connected to each other 24/7, many workers report feeling isolated, lonely and lacking genuine connection. In fact this reality so common that researchers have begun calling it a, “Loneliness Epidemic.” The antidote: Human-to-human connection.

SHOW NOTES

Social interaction at work is incredibly important, yet many people feel the effects of workplace isolation. In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our hosts discuss the loneliness epidemic that is impacting hundreds of thousands of workers. Isolation in the workplace can be subtle or severe, but in either case, the effects are significant. Isolation triggers the same parts of the brain that are triggered by physical pain, which means it makes folks feel real bad – and that is not what we want in the place we spend much of our waking hours.

Isolation can occur because of how your work space is oriented, because you are the “only” (whether you are the only sales person on a team of engineers, the only person with children or maybe the only person who is not a gamer), because the workplace culture supports it – or maybe just because the people you work with are jerks. You may be the boss or you may work remotely. All of this contributes to being isolated from others. We know the importance of friendship in the workplace and how it contributes to your workplace satisfaction and productivity. Isolation is just the opposite of those yummy, fuzzy, fun friend feelings.

So what can you DO about it . . .

• Recognize your own feelings
• Recognize that you need connections outside of the office to fill those relationship needs Make dates for coffee or lunch with coworkers
• Join and volunteer for projects and activities that are outside of your normal work
• Work in a different space if your office allows for it – you are more likely to run into people Take breaks in the break room
• Get to know a senior person
• And keep your sense of humor – sometimes the feelings of isolation can be self-perpetuating.

Crina and Kirsten tell personal stories about their own experiences with isolation and how they have addressed it in their own work lives.

LINKS

No more odd one out: What causes isolation at work

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Caring for yourself is not self-indulgent, it’s essential to your well-being. Regardless of what you’re told by the patriarchy, self-care is a way of life, not a product you can buy.

SHOW NOTES

This episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work is about self-care, which is a timely topic as we enter into the holidays. It is a busy time of year – and most of us have busy lives without the additional stresses posed by the holidays. Our gals discuss self care as personal actualization – and taking back your body and your time and your pleasure and your feelings from those demands created by our “role” as women.

“Caring for myself is not self- indulgence. It is self preservation, and this is an act of political warfare.” by poet and writer Audre Lord

Crina and Kirsten talk about self-care from the Audre Lorde perspective. Not as a massage or a bottle of fancy bath bubbles, but as actions that put our needs before those of others to create practices that are restorative. Crina and Kirsten discuss their own restorative practices and how to create those so that you can bring your best self to all things, including your work.

LINKS

http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/culturebox/2017/04/the_history_of_self_care.html

https://www.thathummingbirdlife.com/blog/the-problem-with-self-care

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Failure is inevitable. The only way to avoid it is by doing nothing and saying nothing. Join Crina and Kirsten as they explore their own relationship to failure and explore ways to manage the emotions around this big subject.

SHOW NOTES

In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our gals discuss failure in the workplace. Nobody likes failure but it is a reality in every workplace and for every worker. Failure prevents a lot of us challenging ourselves and taking the next step. How do you feel about failure and how does it feel when you fail? What do you worry about? And why does it feel so bad? Crina and Kirsten discuss these questions in an introduction to failure.

The studies show that women are punished more severely for mistakes than men – in other words making a mistake is more consequential if you are a woman.

Failures in the workplace can be broken into three categories – 1 – preventable failures in complex system – otherwise known as human error; 2 unavoidable failures in complex systems; 3 – error at the frontier where things are unknown. Each type of error has different consequences and results in different learning and that is the most important part of failure in the workplace, the ability to learn and grow – if you can hold on through the embarrassment, shame and whatever else comes your way.

Crina and Kirsten discuss the dos and don’ts of failure. Taking ownership and telling the truth are great places to start after a failure. It is important to get help from others too.

And it’s important not to forget how to take care of ourselves after a failure – don’t wallow in your despair, but make some time to be kind and gentle with yourself – it will help you solve problems – and just make you feel better.

LINKS

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In order to find joy, meaning and ease at work you need to communicate clearly and interpret information accurately. This requires focus, curiosity and a willingness to challenge the stories you tell yourself.

SHOW NOTES

In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, we tackle the many ways that miscommunication happens and what you can do about it. If you’re a direct communicator like Crina, people may assume that there is some implicit message in what you are saying. They might hear you say one thing, but believe another. Miscommunication can also happen when the listener isn’t actually listening or makes incorrect assumptions about what is “really” being said. Miscommunication is also very common when we fail to listen fully because we’re waiting to talk or waiting to make our point. Finally, we all filter what is being said through our own unique experiences and stories. Many times people hear something that is actually much different than what was intended because they can’t be objective about the information that’s delivered.

Crina and Kirsten offer a few tips to combat miscommunication, starting with the elimination of assumptions. When you hear something that doesn’t sit well with you, do yourself a favor and check in. Ask that person to restate what they just said so that you can be sure you heard it accurately. If you’re using email as your primary mode of communication, practice reading that unsettling email a different way. It’s also great to develop active listening skills that make use of curiosity and kindness. Finally, when you’re the one doing the talking, make sure you’re clear about what you want to say and use clear language when delivering information.

Remember that in order to find joy, meaning and ease at work, you need to get control of how you communicate and the way you interpret what other people are saying and writing.

LINKS

8 Causes of Miscommunication and Misunderstanding

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Crina and Kirsten are kicking a gender bias to the curb and talking about how women make amazing leaders. In fact, according to a recent study, women score statistically higher than men in almost every single leadership characteristic.

SHOW NOTES

Crina and Kirsten are both just back from fabulous adventures and share their amazing experiences with listeners before they launch into this shows meaty topic! Both women are deeply committed to leadership – fostering those talents and skills in themselves and others – especially women. 

This show is for EVERYONE. Our hosts believe we all lead from where we are. They discuss the leadership capabilities surveyed in a Harvard Business Review article by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman, Women Score Higher than Men in Most Leadership Skills. What a great backdrop – that women are perceived by their co-workers having the highest rated leadership capabilities – for us to discuss leadership qualities and consider which ones we have and which ones we want to develop in ourselves. 

Our hosts encourage each other and the listener to see themselves as a leader and to develop those capabilities. 

LINKS

Research: Women Score Higher Than Men in Most Leadership Skills

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